The Slug

Anthony Wins "Shear Genius" by the Hair

(AP Photo/HO/Bravo)

We quit caring who would win Bravo's "Shear Genius" after witchy Tabitha and crazy Dr. Boogie were snipped in previous episodes, but we're happy chipper Anthony took home the $100,000 prize in last night's finale, even though Ben's razor cut was the hotness. Also, we were shocked that Vidal Sassoon was a guest judge  — or should we say we were shocked that Vidal Sassoon was actually a real person and not just a plastic bottle. What will Bravo do next? Have Cap'n Crunch guest judge on "Top Chef"?

"At World's End" Smoother as a Game

(AP Photo/HO/Disney Interactive)

Big-budget blockbusters: 0. Their video games: 2. We preferred the high-def "Spider-Man 3" game to the longwinded flick and can now safely say the same thing about "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End." While the swordfighting controls are awkward and Jack Sparrow moves slowly, the lush graphics and detailed cutscenes make up for the somewhat plodding action. Besides, all pirate games are awesome. And, you know, trends come in threes so if "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" is better as a video game than a movie, we're going to quit going to the multiplex altogether.

Excuse Us While We Sip This Drink

(AP Photo/Hillary Rhodes)

Everybody knows rock icon Jimi Hendrix lived hard. Maybe that's why the samples we received of The Jimi Hendrix Liquid Experience energy drink arrived at The Slug's desk dripping and beaten up. No matter. We popped open the gorgeous surviving cans for a taste test. (The back reads: "This new energy drink is a tribute to Jimi's legacy, The Jimi Hendrix Experience and their everlasting influence on music and those who play it.")  Unlike other flavorless energy drinks, the deep purple Voodoo Vibe flavor actually tasted like something. Unfortch, that something was grape-flavored cough syrup. However, we are happy to report we typed this blog post in 10 seconds. Thanks, Jimi.

Nobody Puts This Game in the Corner

(AP Photo/HO/Lionsgate)

We hope you're sitting down — or at least standing on a log — for this tidbit. "Dirty Dancing" is being turned into a PC video game simply titled "Dirty Dancing — The Video Game." Since this news is so bizarre that we're feeling a little faint, The Slug will let the press release do the talking: "Through this action puzzler, Dirty Dancing enthusiasts now have the opportunity to experience the life of Baby, learn to dance with the resident dancing couple, Johnny and Penny, and work alongside the team at the renowned Kellerman’s Mountain House Resort." Now if only we could get someone to make "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off — The Game."

"On the Lot" Turns Us Off

(AP Photo/HO/Fox/Mike Yarish)

Lights! Camera! Where did the action go on Fox's "On the Lot" reality filmmaking competition? The first two episodes, where 50 finalists were cut down to 18, were fast, interesting and chocked full o' the kind of behind-the-scenes drama that we've come to expect from Hollywood. But all that "Apprentice"-style reality TV fun was left on the cutting room floor during last night's first snoozy "American Idol"-style episode, which featured screenings of the contestants' mostly dull one-minute commercials comedy shorts. And at no point were the viewers at home told how much time, money or crew the contestants had to make these films.

Worse than the short films (which utilized such high-brow comedy material as fart jokes) were the poor judges, who really had nothing to contribute. Carrie Fisher looked pained to actually critique anything and followed almost every submission by saying "and I know you're a really great filmmaker." Then there was Garry Marshall, who kept awkwardly telling the female directors that they should be more, um, female. Is this a beauty pageant or a filmmaking competition!? Whatever "On the Lot" is trying to be, The Slug is sure of one thing: It's a wrap on our DVR. Next!

Um, Happy Birthday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

How awkward! On today's previously recorded Memorial Day episode of "The View," Rosie O'Donnell gave Elisabeth Hasselbeck a week at O'Donnell's Miami home for her birthday — yes, Hasselbeck is so patriotic she was apparently born on Memorial Day — and then they hugged. Can you get anymore previously recorded than that?! Considering their much ballyhooed brawl last week and the end result, do you think Hasselbeck will still take up Ro on her offer?

Finale Overload

  (AP Photo/HO/Fox)

Our head is spinning after the past two nights of conclusions, cliffhangers and crownings on TV finales. Some were worth the wait while others were knuckle-bitingly frustrating. Before we start consuming an unhealthy diet of bad summer reality shows — here we come, "Age of Love" — The Slug is gonna take one last look at the finales and then move on.

"American Idol." How did they possibly pack sooo many performances, cameos and Jeff Foxworthy appearances into two hours? By the time we got to the Beatles tribute (which would've been so much better if the past "Idol" winners would've, you know, actually sang together), The Slug forgot why were were watching until Ryan Seacrest revealed that Blake Lewis was robbed. Robbed, we say!

"Dancing with the Stars." This bloated conclusion filled with endless montages and completely unnecessary dance numbers was fitting considering this fourth season was entertaining yet uneven. "Dancing" took far too long to cha cha to the festooning of deserving champion Apolo Anton Ohno. Maybe we're just holding a grudge since Steve Sanders didn't win. It was a bad night for blonde guys.

"Lost." From the first scene, this episode felt bigger and more epic than ever before. Every castaway played a delicious part in stopping — or, in one case, helping — The Others. And, for the first time, "Lost" delivered a finale twist ending that wasn't too gimmicky or trite but totally satisfying and unexpected. Can we flashforward to next February? Please!?

"Veronica Mars." We have to admit it. After coming back from hiatus and dropping the ongoing mystery element, we felt "Veronica Mars" lost her luster. But these final two hours were a wonderful reminder how funny, emotional, gripping and smart this show has been for the past three seasons. How dare the above shows get to continue and "Mars" get left in the rain. How dare they. 

Another Day, Another Stardoll

(AP Photo Illustration/Derrik J. Lang)

Few things leave The Slug speechless, yet Stardoll has. What the heck is a Stardoll? They're digital celebrity caricature paper dolls, ranging from Madonna to the "High School Musical" cast. The two-dimensional  dolls can be dressed up with more accessories than are available at a Claire's (tiaras, balloons, wheelchairs) and placed in a myriad of settings (movie theater, enchanted forest, an alleyway).

Above is a portrait The Slug made at Stardoll starring "Prison Break" star Wentworth Miller. We've titled it "Prom Queen and Pimped-Out Wheelchair." Granted, this hybrid social networking site is aimed at the highly unstable tween demographic, but perhaps that makes the customizable bizarreness even more baffling. Who needs Us Weekly when celebrities are now our children's playthings?!

"Guitar Hero" Striking Another Sequel

(AP Photo/HO/Activision)

Video game publisher Activision and developer Red Octane announced that a third installment of "Guitar Hero" will be available for PS2, PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii this fall, featuring new tracks and multiplayer options. Already? And we were just starting to get warmed up on "Guitar Hero II" for the Xbox 360, too. (Not really. See our horrible performance in this asap video.) Our only complaint about this franchise has always been the lack of fan-favorite classics, but the press release is teasing that new tunes like Rolling Stones' "Paint It Black," Heart's "Barracuda" and Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" will be included. Consider us amped.

Make "This is My Now" Go Away Now

(AP Photo/HO/Fox/Michael Becker)

Poor Blake. Woo Jordin. Blah, blah, blah. At the point leading up to the " American Idol" finale, you've probably already discussed all that with your friends, lovers and co-workers. What The Slug wants to know: Where did that horrrible song come from and what do we have to do to make it go back there? Thank  Christian songwriters Scott Krippayne and Jeff Peabody, the winners of the first-ever "Idol" songwriting contest. We're hoping Blake wins "Idol" just so he can remix and beatbox "This is Now" into oblivion.

Now Playing at the Peach Pit After Dark

(AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes)

Every now and then, Entertainment Weekly delivers a delicious lesson. (Full disclosure: We once interned at EW a long time ago during a summer far, far away.) In this week's music section, as a sidenote to EW's review of Maroon 5's "It Won't Be Soon Before Long," the magazine teaches us that the band's previous incarnation, Kara's Flowers, played the Peach Pit After Dark in a "Beverly Hills 90210" episode from 1997. Luckily, the clip is available on YouTube, along with Tori Spelling delivering this line: "Wow, the band sounds great. It's too bad there's not a bigger crowd." Ha! Look who's attracting bigger audiences now, Donna Martin!

Four Mistakes Made at the Upfronts

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Time for one last dispatch about the TV upfronts. After letting the schedules sink into our brain over the past week, here's four big mistakes we think the big broadcast networks are making. The Slug hopes they use their extended tropical vacations to rethink such decisions. (For non-mistakes made at the upfronts — you know, like, good things — take a listen to our asap podcast.) Now on with the negativity!

Mistake No. 1: Killing "Veronica Mars." Let's fact it, CW. Outside of searching for more Top Models and Pussycat Dolls, you don't have any huge hits on your soft, youthful hands. And you're certainly not lacking for space on the schedule. So why not give "Veronica Mars," one TV's best written shows, a reboot instead of the ax? At least Kristin Bell is getting some voice work in your sudsy news "Gossip Girls."

Mistake No. 2:  Not upgrading "Heroes" with "Bionic Woman."  Our head was spinning the plethora of high-concept dramas starring freaks and geeks. Vampires. Mutants. Immortals. Satan. Name a superhuman and there's probably a series about that species. Our favoritest was NBC's "Bionic Woman" redux. But instead of pairing it with "Heroes," the network is tagging it with the snoozy-looking time-travel drama "Journeyman."

Mistake No. 3: Passing on "Footballers Wives." The Slug is  biased because we fell in love with this soapy series about rich across-the-pond athletes and their witchy wives when BBC America started airing stateside reruns. After ABC revealed they'd ordered an American pilot starring the likes of Lucy Lawless, we started doing a touchdown dance. Unfortch, the network didn't start "Footballers Wives" on its fall schedule. Boo.

Mistake No. 4: Not passing on "Cavemen." While "Footballers Wives" didn't evolve past a pilot, a comedy based on those Geico commercials starring Cro-magnon dudes strangely did. Why, ABC, why? This has horrrrible written (in stone, natch) all over it. We can't help but think the alphabet network subscribes to the "bad publicity is good publicity" mantra.

Tick, Tick, "Heroes"

(AP Photo/HO/NBC)

We're not sure what our favoritest part of the "Heroes" season finale was last night. Maybe the threeway catfight between good Niki, bad Jessica and annoying shapeshifter Candice, who was posing as Jessica? Or perhaps Claire's dramatic leap from Nathan's office window? Or was it the final smackdown, which involved just about everyone? Oh, The Slug liked the whole thing. And just as we did for "Lost," here's three thangs we think the producers can do to make Chapter 2 better.

1. What's their motivation? Please don't forget the storytelling element that "Spider-Man 3" went overboard with: explaining exactly what characters do what they do. We're still confused why Sylar felt motivated to blow up New York City or why exactly Peter started going nuclear the last time around. Don't let this happen next season.

2. Make the special effects more special. We know. We know. This is definitely a slippery slope, especially for a series that's been so good at balancing emotional drama and superpowered action. However, we'd love to see better (yet still subtle) computer-generated effects.  Maybe you can pay Masi Oka some overtime?

3. Spread the love. "Heroes" was at its best this season when multiple plots and characters were tangled together. Try not to focus too much on one or two characters — especially Niki Sanders and Matt Parkman. We're already sorta cringing at the thought of  an Ando-less Hiro alone in feudal Japan.

Pushing Spider-Man's Buttons

(AP Photo/HO/Activision)

When you exit your local multiplex after seeing a movie based on a book — you know, like "The Da Vinci Code" — you usually hear someone saying "Well, that wasn't as good as the book" or "I liked the book better" or "Let's go get some pie." For the first time ever, The Slug found ourselves saying something very similar but oh-so-now-now-now after playing "Spider-Man 3: The Game" this weekend: "I like the video game better than the movie."

Gasp! Are movie tie-in games finally becoming more than just a quick buck for game developers? Even though the next-gen Spidey game ain't the best action title ever, we definitely heart it more than its long-winded big-screen counterpart. Mostly, we love the ability to websling around a huge virtual Manhattan with our PS3 controller, but we also appreciate the lack of Peter Parker crying and dancing scenes. Now let's go get some pie.

Two Weddings and Suicide on "Housewives"

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Slutty real estate agent Edie Britt never got the respect or attention she deserved on "Desperate Housewives." In last night's season finale, she finally did something about it by hanging herself, a deliciously creepy nod to the show's start when narrator Mary Alice Young shot herself, while the other housewives were either getting married, getting cancer or faking a pregnancy. So is Edie really dead and will inherit the narrating gig or will that silk scarf give way come next fall? Talk about a cliffhanger!

 

What's in This Envelope?

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

Thanks to everyone who solicited their favorite pirate-themed video games a few weeks ago. Check out this week's installment of Up Down Left Right, asap's weekly gamer video, to see if your booty made the cut. Speaking of treasure hunting, let's take a looksie inside The Slug's mailbox again. Well, what do we have here? A mysterious black envelope with the "Pirates of the Caribbean Online" logo from the game's press kit. But what, praytell, could be inside?

At the Fox Upfront (Virtually)

(AP Photo/HO/Fox/Alex Berliner)

All upfront week long, the TV networks have been boasting about geeky techno innovations like digital extensions, crossplatforming and portable content. So, to switch it up a bit for the Fox presentation, the last upfront of the five big networks, The Slug decided to stay at our desk and stream clips of their new fall shows, well, that and Fox only invited asap to a closed-circuit screening of the presentation instead the real thing. Here's our initial reaction to the new scripted shows:

"Back 2 You." Sitcom superstars Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton come back to the smaall screen as feuding TV anchors. Newsflash: This unfortunate comedy looks dull and stodgy. Perhaps these heavyweights will eventually be able to pump up the laughs.

"Canterbury's Law." If this this slick legal drama starring Juliana Mearguilies looks like it should be on FX instead of Fox, that's because it's produced by Denis Leary and his "Rescue Me" company. "Canterbury" just might be able to do what "House" did for doctors.

"K-Ville." This is a gritty cop drama set in post-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans. Edgy, eh? Fox, you have us interested, espeically since Anthony Anderson, who played a bad-to-the-bone gangsta on FX's "The Shield," is involved. 

"New Amsterdam." Another superhuman drama. This one is about an immortal New York City cop — but he's not a vampire. We're not sure how many mutants we can get emotionally invested in this fall.

"The Return of Jezebel James." Parker Posey. On TV. With Lauren Ambrose from "Six Feet Under" as her sister. The Slug is sooo there.

"The Rules for Starting Over." Ugh. Here's another flat comedy. Unlike "Back 2 You" and  "The Return of Jezebel James," this offering is single camera (you know, like "Notes from the Underbelly" or "The Office") and doesn't star any recognizable faces. Is it too late to get "Arrested Development" back?

"The Sarah Connor Chronicles." Does almost every new Fox show have to start with 'the'? When we heard Fox was developing a show that took place between "Terminator 2" — one of our all time favorite action movies — and "Terminator 3" — um, an action movie — we were totally looking forward to this sci-fi extravaganza. Unfortch, this special effects-laden drama looks like a cheesy downgrade.

At The CW Upfront

(AP Photo/CW/HO/Timothy White)

"Veronica Mars" is dead. Sorta. While the show is canceled, star Kristen Bell is narrating "Gossip Girl," The CW's enticing new answer to "The O.C." (Hottie cast, pictured above.) The young network's upfront was by far our favorite thus far. Is that because their new programming rocks? A little. Mostly it's because they served Jamba Juice smoothies, pastries and gummy green candy. Nothing like a sugar rush to make you excited for the new shows!!!

"Aliens in America." Finally. Here's a proper comedy companion for "Everybody Hates Chris." An awkward Wisconsin teen's mom orders a Muslim exchange student from Pakistan so her son will have at least one friend. Sounds like it could be offensive and weird, but The Slug thinks it just might be funny and poignant from the clips we saw.

"Gossip Girl." This one kinda reminded us of "Cruel Intentions" only with less Ryan Phillipe and Sarah Michelle Gellar and more text messaging and blogging. Bell's narration is, as always, delicious. Maybe she'll appear on-screen?! Since we never got into "The O.C.," we feel we owe creator Josh Schwartz so we'll be tuning into to this soapy drama set in Manhattan's prep school world.

"Crowned." OMG. This competitive reality show, which pits 11 mother-daughter teams against each other in the "ultimate pageant," looks totally trashtastic and hilarious. Our favoritest moment from the clip reel: One red-headed team refers to themselves as "bombshells" to the judges. Backstage, a blonde exclaims that "everybody knows blondes are the original bombshells."

"CW Now." The Slug will not watch this commercial newsmagazine from the makers of "Extra" aimed at the 18-to-34-year-old set. Ever. In the same breath when The CW described this show's aim of finding the "hottest trends," they also informed advertisers their products could be featured. Boo. We can handle product placement, but please don't make it soooo blatant.

"Life is Wild." Moms and dads, meet The CW's answer to "7th Heaven," which recently ended its 10th and final season. This fuzzy family drama about an unruly Manhattanite brood that transfers to Africa to run a lodge is filmed entirely on location, which means lots of wildlife cameos.

"Online Nation." Maybe it's just The Slug, but we think there's something backwards about a TV show that only features Internet videos.

"Reaper." Here's another high-concept drama: A 21-year-old home improvement store employee learns his parents sold his soul to the devil when he was a baby. Now, he and his best friend are tasked with capturing escapees from hell. It's funnier than you think.

Charlie Keeps Swimming on "Lost"

(AP Photo/HO/ABC/Mario Perez)

Our schedule is tight so we don't have time for any "Lost" commentary, revelation reliving or "Charlie Lives!" celebration today so we'll simply fire off a bunch of questions: Is Juliet planning a quadruple cross? Do you trust her? Did Charlie kill Desmond with that paddle? Rose and Bernard: Is one of the loveable ol' farts gonna git it? How'd Namoi get better (and such a rockin' hairdo) so quickly? What are the castaways gonna do with Carl now!? Is Ben completely nuts — or does he know something? Why does Richard and the gang trust him? Hostile, Fembot or Other: Who were those ladies greeting Charlie with guns in the underwater station?

Universal Studios Gets Wetter and Colder

(AP Photo/HO/Universal Studios)

Pack a poncho and/or coat if you're slipping out to Universal Studios Hollywood this summer.  The theme park announced they've added more water-gushing Dilophosaurus dinosaurs and geysers that shoot H20 up 60 feet in the air in "Jurassic Park: The Ride." They're also dialing down the "Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride" air conditioner inside the Mummy's Tomb to 60 degrees and shooting riders with a new liquid nitrogen blanket, which will bring the thermometer to 45 degrees. Sounds cool. Har. Har. Har. Now how about adding this stuff to the outdoor queues, too?

Proud to Be An "American Idol" Viewer

(AP Photo/HO/Fox/Frank Micelotta)

America, you done The Slug proud. Did you see that look on Melinda Doolittle's face? She. Was. Floored. Blake Lewis vs. Jordin Sparks is an "American Idol" finale matchup that has the potential to be as exciting, suspenseful and wacky as the Clay Aiken vs. Ruben Studdard bout of '03. Sure, it looks like Sparks may have this baby in the bag, but everybody we talked to thought the beatboxer would be beat last night. Now we're completely conflicted. We heart them both so much! We don't know whether to support the young one or the short one. Pretty please tell us who we should vote for — and why, duh — at theslug@ap.org. 

At the CBS Upfront

(AP Photo/CBS/HO/Robert Voets)

Three TV upfronts down and two more to go! CBS' unveiling of the new schedule at Carnegie Hall this afternoon was light on pomp and heavy on reminding the audience that the Eye continues to be America's most watched network. They even resorted to bullying "Ugly Betty" around. When CBS entertainment president Nina Tassler talked ratings numbers, she said "Betty" wasn't looking so pretty up against "Survivor." Ouch! Since CBS shows do so well, there aren't many new ones. Here's what The Slug thinks of the six upcoming offerings we glimpsed during the upfront.

"Big Bang Theory." The nerds can rest because they've gotten revenge: a Monday night CBS sitcom. Johnny Galecki from "Roseanne" and some other guy star as dweebs who live in an apartment decorated with algorithms. Their life changes when a hot Cheesecake Factory waitress moves in across the hall.  From what we saw, "Big Bang" lacks one.

"Cane." Jimmy Smits, we love you, but you are no Tony Soprano. We assumed this hour-long drama about a family and their dirty rum business would be "Scarface"-riffic, but it seems the minds behind "Cane" will merely build up to that sweetness.   

"Kid Nation." Think "Lord of the Flies" meets "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" meets "Survivor."

"Swingtown." What would happen if Wisteria Lane was transported 40 years into the past? Besides suddenly becoming a whole lot more interesting, it would probably look like "Swingtown." This midseason show about some swingin' suburbanites in the 1970s was actually our favorite of the bunch. We can't wait until next year to get into bed with this sudsy and provocative drama.

"Twilight." If you're a sucker for anything supernatural — yes, even "Ghost Whisperer" and, um, "Supernatural" — you'll no doubt love this moody drama about a vampire who helps solve crimes yet longs for love. However, be warned that "Twilight" looks light on action. This gushy bloodsucker would've never stood a chance against Buffy.

"Viva Laughlin." We loved the premise on paper: an over-the-top drama set in a Nevada gambling town outside of Sin City with intermittent musical numbers and executive produced by Hugh Jackman. Unfortch, the singing numbers were more "Cop Rock" than "Chicago." The Slug will wait to wager.

Have You Seen This Man?

(AP Photo/Reed Saxon)

Dang! We forgot one thang about that CBS upfront press briefing! One of their new dramas is called "Cane." It's described as a Latino-flavored cross between "The Sopranos" and "The Godfather" with a little bit of "Scarface" thrown in for good measure. So why are we bringing it up? Well, "Cane" stars Jimmy Smits and Nestor Carbonell, who you may remember plays Mittelos Bioscience recruiter/Other/hostile/immortal Richard on ABC's "Lost." Sure, not aging is a cool trick, but how about appearing on two different shows on two different networks?

 

Eyeing the Eye Network

(AP Photo/CBS/HO/Cliff Lipson)

We're filing a report from the TV upfront trenches early today since CBS invited us to a morning press briefing. No footage was shown, but president Nina Tassler and programming chief Kelly Kahl did reveal a "Jericho"- and "Class"-less schedule. We'll save our musings on the one new comedy and three new dramas (four, if you count a midseason replacement about swingers in the '70s) until we see the actual upfront presentation this afternoon.   

On the unscripted front, CBS is giving birth to one new reality show called "Kid Nation" that's making us foam at the mouth — in anticipation or dread, we're still not sure. The premise: 40 days, 40 kids, no parents. Oh, and don't worry your pretty little heads off, "Amazing Race" fans. Although the Emmy-winning reality series ain't on the fall schedule, it hasn't been eliminated. The executives say "Race" will likely be plopped in midseason.

Steve Sanders Dismissed from "Dancing"

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

We're all shook up! And not in a good way! Ian Ziering's impeccable Elvis impersonation was not enough to save the "90210" alum. The celebrity we officially endorsed at the beginning of the season and his dance partner, Cheryl Burke, were voted off "Dancing with the Stars" just one week before the finals. Now it's down to boxer Laila Ali, Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno and the Fatone from N'Sync. Oh well, Steve Sanders. You could always get work in Vegas.

At the ABC Upfront

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Whew! ABC revealed 12 new series for its fall and midseason schedules — four comedies, seven dramas and one Oprah Winfrey-produced reality show — during its upfront presentation at Lincoln Center. The new series are mostly a bunch of high-concept shows. We're most looking forward to something called "Dirty Sexy Money." We're easy like that. Let's get started on our thoughts about all the new scripted shows, shall we?

"Big Shots." Michael Vartan, Dylan McDermott, Josh Malina and Christopher Titus star as executives/best friends forever. It's like "Sex and the City" but with dudes! While there's definitely some testosterone-fueled starpower here, we're not sure we'll be able to put up with these softy guys for more than a few episodes.

"Cashmere Mafia." Sigh. Another "Sex and the City" imitation.

"Cavemen." We can already hear you groaning. Keep going! Almost every human on the planet has heard about this sitcom based on those curmudgeon cro-magnons from the Geico commercials and assumed the show would be bad, bad, bad. From what we can tell, "Cavemen" will definitely not evolve the art of comedy.

"Carpoolers." Here's another ABC show starring four men except this one is a comedy.

"Dirty Sexy Money." We're sold on the title — come on, "Dirty Sexy Money" sells itself — and we're loving the cast. There's a Baldwin, Peter Krause from "Six Feet Under," Jill Clayburgh and Donald Sutherland all starring as spoiled rich folks. This sudsy drama could be the "Dynasty" of the new millennium.   

"Eli Stone." Johnny Lee Miller (the former Mr. Angelina Jolie) plays a lawyer who starts seeing thangs (like George Michael singing in his living room) after a brain injury and begins to believe he's a prophet. Sounds stupid, right? Well, The Slug thinks this drama just might be the most inventive of the new fall season. Or maybe we're just seeing thangs, too?

"Miss/Guided." Think "Arrested Development" but set in a high school. We like.

"Pushing Daises." This show about a guy who can bring people back from the dead with his touch — but kill them if he touches them again — looks so interesting and weird that The Slug loves it, but that means it'll probably be canceled really quickly. That's what our touch does.

"Private Practice." We refuse to subscribe to this "Grey's Anatomy" spin-off because it means Agent Kellerman is dead on "Prison Break." Boo.

"Sam I Am." Why won't Christina Applegate just answer our prayers and make "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead: The Series" instead of this bizarre comedy about a woman who wakes up after a week-long coma and doesn't remember anything? At least Jean Smart from "24" and "Designing Women" is co-starring. 

"Women's Murder Club." Just like "Dirty Sexy Money," this drama has a great title, but more of a Lifetime TV premise: four female friends in different professions (detective, district attorney, medical examiner and stripper — just kidding! — reporter) solve crimes. Girl power!

 

Calling Sarah Silverman

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

Viral videos. User-generated content. Social networking. Podcasts. Sigh. Remember the good ol' dayz when a toll-free number equaled high-tech fun times? Naughty comedian Sarah Silverman does. You might have heard she's hosting the 2007 MTV Movie Awards. When we passed by this MTV billboard emblazoned with her face and the number 1-877-SARAH-07 on 34th Street in Manhattan, we immediately whipped out our celly phone and dialed. Here's what we heard:

At the NBC Upfront

Just got back from the first TV upfront of the week! Except for a technical glitch (the jumbotron displayed footballer Tom Brady instead of the new fall schedule), NBC's presentation was as slick as Nathan Petrelli's hairdo, despite the network's last place standing in the ratings game. Speaking of "Heroes," they were all in attendance — yes, even Zachary "Sylar" Quinto — rising out of the stage in Radio City Music Hall amid a puff of smoke. They'll be back with a confusing-sounding spinoff called "Heroes: Origins."

In an unprecedented move, NBC has put the new fall schedule and new show preview clips on their site, although the clips we were shown at Radio City Music Hall featured better, more recognizable music. Guess they didn't feel like cutting royalty checks. Aynway, here's what The Slug thinks about the new scripted shows, judging from the official presentation.

"Bionic Woman." We can already hear you groaning. Stop! This updated take the robotic lady just might have legs — indestructible $6 million metal legs.  Unlike the cheesy 1970s spinoff, which we loved more than our very first Walkman, this "Bionic Woman" (played by Michelle Ryan) reminds us of Sydney Bristow. She would probably pair perfectly with "Heroes," but NBC has programmed her for Wednesdays. Error! Error!

"Chuck." Ladies and geeks, we'd like to introduce you to the "Ugly Betty" of the new fall season. His name is "Chuck" and he works for a Geek Squad-like tech support service called Nerd Herd and becomes unknowingly embroiled in a government spy conspiracy after peeping at a top secret laptop. Naturally, wackiness ensues! Looks like "Chuck" might have buck.

"Life." A cop show about a cop who was wrongly in prison for over 10 years and now hands out hugs and spouts fortune cookie slogans. Pass!

"Lipstick Jungle." Many "Sex and the City" imitations have come and gone. (Anyone remember "Emily's Reasons Why Not"?) But none of them have been from Candace Bushnell, the actual author of "Sex and the City," or featured Brooke Shields' return to TV. We laughed at this show about three female big wigs in the city, but not at the overbearing preview text, which stated: "They're not looking for Mr. Big. They are Mr. Big."

"Journeyman." In this drama, one man is sent back in time to change things for the better. Yes, we know it sounds a heck of a lot like "Quantum Leap," but The Slug thinks this looks more like ABC's failed "Day Break." Only time will tell if "Journeyman" is worth the, um, journey (Sorry! Couldn't resist!). What The Slug wants to know is why should we should cheat on Hiro with this other time traveler, played by Kevin McKidd? Is it because he looks like Daniel Craig? OK. We're in.

Take a Bow, "King of Queens"

(AP Photo/Reed Saxon)

"King of Queens," quite possibly the most under-appreciated comedy on TV, ends its nine-year run tonight with several sitcom staples: pregnancy, nuptials, public drunkenness and lots o' laughs. (CBS sent us a preview screener. Sniff, sniff.) Luckily, there's very little sappiness. We can't say we caught every episode of "King of Queens," but we have always chuckled at the ones we did see in syndication — especially the Halloween episode where Jerry Stiller's character reveals he's afraid of Halloween decorations. Rest in peace, "King of Queens." For New York outerbourough yuks, guess we'll have to look to the heir apparent Queen of Queens: "Ugly Betty."

Hit or Miss

(AP Photo/HO/CBS/John P. Filo)

Sorry we haven't been posting much lately. We were on assignment in New Hampshire the past couple of days and now we''re having computer problems. Anyway, we're totally going to make it up to you because The Slug is attending the broadcast networks' upfronts this week to see what shows are getting renewed, getting the ax or getting the green light. ("Friday Night Lights" is a go! "Jericho" will have to wait and see what CBS president Nina Tassler, pictured above, says.) So keep checking back each day this week for our commentary on the new fall season.

Final "Survivor" Jury: How Rude!

(AP Photo/ Jeffrey R. Staab/CBS)

The Slug admits we only half paid attention to "Survivor: Fiji" this season since we weren't grilling the castaways, but we did catch last night's finale, which saw Yau-Man's B.F.F. Earl Cole selected as the sole "Survivor." Yes, we were shocked Dreamz went back on his word. (Hope he likes that car!) However, we were more in awe of the viciousness of the final jury. Didn't they seem waaay more harsh than usual? For a second there, we thought "Survivor" was going to go all Jerry Springer on us with beeped-out language, chair throwing and fisticuffs.

John Locke is Dead!?

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Nope. Not buying it. John Locke ain't dead. Or at least he is dead, but the island (or Ben's imaginary friend Jacob or the black smoke monster or Annie or whatever) will revive him just like it made him walk and fixed his hand last week. Ben probably just shot him to see what would happen. If Locke is indeed dead, this sort of thing is in direct violation of Rule No. 1. Oh, and what's Richard's diet?

Up Close with a Circus Elephant

Back in March, we told you about our crazy night riding in the back of pickup truck driving down 34th Street in Manhattan in front of an elephant. It was all part of an asap video series, which is now complete, that we were filming about a working family in the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. What we didn't tell you was just how close we came to the 9,000-pound animal. We finally got around to uploading the footage. See the unedited encounter in this Slugvideo.

"Drive" Gets a Final Lap

(AP Photo/HO/Fox)

While "Drive" was suspended after just four episodes, Fox is giving the could've-been-a-cult-hit show one last tank of gas. The final two episodes produced will air back to back on July 4th. Nothing says Happy Independence Day like an abruptly canceled illegal cross-country road race, right? Maybe they'll release "Drive" on DVD then it'll become really popular and then Fox will make it into a movie.

More Coasters Cometh

(AP Photo/Willis Glassgow)

So The Slug hasn't even booked tickets to ride the five roller coasters we previewed in this asap interactive, but we're already anticipating several more gut crunchers in the coming years. Two brand-new amusement parks are going up in two very different places: the Hard Rock Park, opening in 2008 in Myrtle Beach, S.C., and Universal City Dubailand, opening in 2010 in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

Both recently revealed their big themed coaster plans. And they both sound totally awesome. At the Hard Rock Park, riders will be able to hop onto a six-inversion looping coaster called "Led Zepplin — The Ride," which will play "Whole Lotta Love" on the trains, while the new Universal park will roar open with a gargantuan-looking King Kong-themed coaster. What's our travel agent's number again!?

Final Four "Idol" Thoughts

(AP Photo/HO/Fox)

We loves us some Barry Gibb. However, we didn't love Barry Gibb night on "American Idol." Maybe it was because of the phoned-in performances or simply because it was the first time contestants sang two songs in one night. Whatever the reason, we were more interested in watching Billy Ray Cyrus getting the boot on "Dancing with the Stars" — he's like the Sanjaya over there, if you're not familiar — than the Final Four's ZZZzzz-worthy performances. At this point in the game, The Slug is extremely conflicted on who to vote for, you know, if we actually voted. Bear with us as we work through our feelings. And let us know who you love at theslug@ap.org.

Melinda Dootlittle. Yes, the girl can sing. Yes, she's consistent. No, we don't want her to win. There's a reason she's been a backup singer for so long. She's safe, dependable and devoid of any kind of diva or rock-star attitude. We don't need to witness her destroying a hotel room, but we'd like to see her at least talk back to Simon Cowell.

LaKisha Jones. When she's on stage and just ripping it up with that big ol' voice of hers, she's amazing. However, she's never seemed comfortable with herself in this crazy competition. Just once, we'd like to see her do something completely nuts. Unlike Doolittle, we think Jones is capable of it. And we like that.

Blake Lewis. Oh, Blakey.  We love you. We hate you.  We're not sure if you should become an "Idol" or you should go back to beatboxing in the back of an electronics store in Washington. You reek of class clown cheesiness, but it's strangely self-aware and comforting. This ain't a personality contest though, it's "Idol." Whatever that means.

Jordin Sparks. When we're watching "Idol" and Sparks comes on screen, we usually have one of two reactions: "Can't believe she's only 17 years old!" or "Can't believe she's so much taller than Ryan Seacrest!" Of all the contestants, Sparks is probably the most readymade pop star. She has a long life — to be manufactured — ahead of her.

"Dancing" with the C-Word

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Crap. That's what Bruno Tonioli called Billy Ray Cyrus' foxtrot, igniting his backstage mic-grabbing tirade that left babbling co-host Samantha Harris looking scared out of her mind on an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" that had more drama at the judge's table than on the dance floor. We're still suspicious of that "computer malfunction" responsible for judge Carrie Ann Inuba giving Apolo Anton Ohno a 9 instead of a 10, which her paddle so clearly read. Muhammad Ali sure picked a weird night to stop by the ballroom.

An Open Note to Samantha Brown

(AP Photo/HO/Travel Channel)

Face it, Samantha Brown. You are the Rachel Ray of the travel world. People either love you or loathe you. (You can put The Slug in the former column. We still watch "Great Hotels" even though we've seen every episode three times.) Congratulations are in order. We hear you are continuing your triumphantly perky career at the Travel Channel with the new show "Passport to Latin America," premiering June 6. You'll travel to Uruguay, Argentina, Chile, Brazil, Belize, Nicaragua, Panama, Ecuador, Peru and Mexico. We're totally jealous. That sounds really fun. Maybe we do hate you.

"Lost" Until 2010

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

ABC officially announced that "Lost" will end in 2010, airing thee uninterrupted 16-episode seasons. The Slug couldn't be happier about this DVD-style programming decision, mostly because we can now plan our social calendar accordingly. (Hair-washing night is moving to Wednesday nights beginning 2011!) Despite this season's general suckiness, we've mostly stayed true to "Lost" and will continue to do so until 2010 providing producers do the following:

1. Don't kill anyone off unless you have a really, really good reason. Yes, we agree that Nikki and Paulo had to go. And you obliged in an interesting albeit irrelevant fashion. But the string of tailie deaths (Ana-Lucia, Libby, Mr. Ecko) felt more like stunts (or behind-the-scenes resolutions) than creative decisions.

2. Answer questions then pose new ones. Take a cue from "Heroes," which has been getting it so totally right during its freshman season. The superpowered narrative — not the mystery — sweeps up viewers and keeps them talking. Fans are only left in the only dark for a few episodes, not seasons.

3. Amp up the action. We're not saying you need to ignite an explosion and/or gun fight every episode like on "Jericho," but installments that take place 90 percent in the past or 50 percent in a cage are 100 percent boring. Let last week's episode, which featured just about every character except Claire doing something, be a barometer for future episodes.

Charla and Mirna Don't Win "Amazing Race"

(AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

Nope. Eric and Danielle sprinted past the finish line to win the $1 million prize in one of the most boring "Amazing Race" finales we can ever remember watching. The final obstacle was a challenge involving some hotel room safes at the Old U.S. Mint in San Francisco and some questions made up by producers about eliminated contestants. Ummm. Seriously? That's the kind of mundane, thrown-together challenge we're used to seeing on "Big Brother" — not the Emmy-winning "Amazing Race." Now get cracking on a better, all-starless new season!

Stock Up on Bob Barker

(AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

If you love Bob Barker as much as The Slug does — or at least want to pretend like you do — start faking a big ol' grin because the Game Show Network is scheduling a slew of Very Special Episodes starring "The Price is Right" host except, well, vintage "Price is Right" episodes themselves. (We know why. Sigh.) From May 15 to May 18, Barker will appear as a celebrity panelist on old "Match Game" episodes from the '70s and alongside Rod Roddy and his beauties in "Family Feud" episodes from '91. On May 19, GSN will air editions of "I've Got a Secret" and "Tattletales" that feature Barker cameos. Sniff. We miss him already!

LucasArts is Giving Us a "Fracture"

(AP Photo/HO/LucasArts)

Good news! Vanguard video game publisher LucasArts is coming out with a new game that's not based on the "Star Wars" franchise! Bad news: It won't be one of their old-school adventure games like "The Secret of Monkey Island." Instead, "Fracture" will be yet another first-person shooter set on an alien world. Sigh. The big diff? They're introducing some next-gen technology that will allow players to physically alter the ground with grenades and such. Oh, just watch the trailer. It looks cooler than it sounds. If you still have a hankering for one of those click-and-point adventure games, try the new episodic "Sam & Max." We discuss it in full detail (with our Welsh corgi in our lap!) in this week's Up Down Left Right, asap's weekly gamer video.