The Slug

"Dancing with the" Most Shocking Elimination

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Wow. The Slug didn't see that coming. On one hand, we're TOTALLY SHOCKED about Sabrina Ryan's dismissal on "Dancing with the Stars." Obviously, she was consistently the best "celebrity" dancer on the show. On the other hand, enough seasons of "American Idol" have made us jaded enough to know that these talent competitions are merely popularity contests, which is ultimately a shame. We're thinking it's probably time for Cameron Mathison to pull out at that thong. Otherwise, he's a goner.

Favoritest Photo of the Week: Run for the Border

(AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Question: Why are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from "The Hills" posing in formal wear at a Taco Bell? Answer: Uhhhh. Something to do with raising awareness for World Hunger Relief Week? Yes, we're being serious — and that's why were making this bizarre image our Favoritest Photo of the Week. This photo begs the question: Were Heidi and Spencer the only TV personalities available? Jeez. They could've at least brought that talking chihuahua out of retirement.

TV personalities Heidi Montag, left, and Spencer Pratt pose for photographers inside a Taco Bell in the Hollywood section of Los Angeles to raise awareness and funds for World Hunger Relief Week on Tuesday, Oct. 16, 2007. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

"Survivor: China" Cover-Up

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

Looks like we no longer have to wonder why undies are being blurred out by CBS on "Survivor: China." Jeff Probst didn't mention it, but the castaways showed up to last night's immunity challenge —  the first swimming competition of the season — wearing previously unseen swim wear. The Slug guesses the producers simply tossed the contestants their suits to put on before the challenge. Do you think that's fair? And what about the tribal switcheroo? Was it right to force the teams to trade their strongest players? Poor Aaron and James!

Sleepy in Seattle

(AP Photo/Cheryl Hatch)

So how much did you love "Pushing Daisies" last night? And who won "Top Chef"? You'll have to tell us later because The Slug is on assignment in Seattle for the rest of the week. Posts will be more sporadic than usual. In our absence, keep yourself busy with some AP reading material about a reality TV tussle, a "Desperate Housewives" controversy and the latest chapter in the Britney Spears custody trial. Check back later for our first report from the World Cyber Games Grand Final, which is being held at the Qwest Field Event Center this weekend.

Oh, Baby, Baby

(AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill)

Chris Crocker is going to go ballistic when he hears this! A judge has ordered that Britney Spears turn over custody of her two boo-boos to ex-husband Kevin Federline this week. Wowie zowie. And we thought that MTV Video Music Award performance was rough. In previous Brit Brit news, she was ordered to undergo random drug and alcohol testing twice a week as part of her ongoing custody dispute with K-Fed. No word on if the two are related, at this point.

We Don't Think They're Ready for This Jelly

(AP Photo/Stephen Chernin)

Was Beyonce not willing to cover up for her first concert in Malaysia? According to Knowles' agency, she canceled the show "due to a scheduling conflict." However, she will instead perform in neighboring Indonesia, whose government doesn't demand that female performers cover their bods from their shoulders down to their knees. Hmmm. This sounds more like a "wardrobe conflict" to us.

Meet the Duchess of Cornwax

(AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth)

Yikes. We just can't look away from Madame Tussauds' Duchess of Cornwall wax figure, which was unveiled today in London. Last June, Camilla Parker-Bowles modeled for sculptors and personally selected her figure's eyes, outfit and accessories. Weird. What's stranger is that The Slug has already seen a waxy Camilla over at Louis Tussauds' Waxworks in Niagara Falls. This one is definitely better — or scarier. You decide.

"Survivor: China" Goes Below the Belt

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

The most shocking thing about the premiere of "Survivor: China" last Thursday wasn't the Buddhist welcoming ceremony, Chicken's dismissal, the fact that this season is set in China or that the castaways were stranded in just the clothes they had on. No, The Slug was most alarmed that CBS blurred the underwear of Zhan Hu tribe member Erik Huffman, the curly-haired musician from Nashville. What gives? None of the other skivvy-wearing castaways received a blur.

Sure, "Survivor" has censored plenty of butt cracks and nipple slips from scantily clad contestants over the years, but this incident didn't seem to fall into either category. When The Slug asked a CBS spokeswoman why they blur his shorts, she said, "I don’t know for sure but probably a wardrobe malfunction." Really? Judging from the publicity photo above, Huffman's undies don't even have a trapdoor. First reward challenge should probably feature pants as a prize.

"Kid Nation" Needs Lip Service

(AP Photo/HO/CBS/Monty Brinton)

After months of controversy, "Kid Nation" finally became a sovereign state on CBS last night. The reality show featuring 40 kids — and one annoying adult host — left many of us saying, "That's what all the talk was about?" While no bleach drinking or grease burning was shown in the premiere episode, the biggest problem in "Kid Nation" we witnessed was chapped lips. Mommy, did you see Town Council member Laurel's mangled mouth? Those tots should spend their pay checks on lip balm instead of root beer shots!

Our Four Favoritest Moments from the Emmys

(AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill)

Despite our best liveblogging efforts, this year's Emmys drew the second-smallest audience in the show's history. Now that we've had more than 24 hours to digest exactly what went down in the round at the Shrine Auditorium on Sunday night, we're ready to reveal what we actually liked about this year's ceremony. (In case you were wondering, what we didn't like was that awkward in-the-round stage, Ryan Seacrest's lame jokes and the lack of loser nominee reaction shots.)  Our four favoritest moments:

Steve Carell's phony win. Our biggest and most genuine chuckle came when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert announced they were giving Ricky Gervais' Emmy to their "friend" Carell. If that wasn't funny enough, the "40-Year-Old Virgin" gleefully jumped up from the audience and embraced his "Daily Show" alums. Why can't the rest of the ceremony be this silly?

Ryan Seacrest's screen time. When we first heard that Seacrest had been tapped to host the Emmys, we were frightened that the ceremony would turn into an "American Idol" clone. Although he was ultra-annoying every time he appeared on screen, those moments were refreshingly brief. Thankfully, comedians such as Ray Romano, Lewis Black, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and even Wayne Brady picked up the slack.

Kathryn Heigl's name checking. Most stars would probably act like they didn't hear the the silky smooth Emmy announcer completely mispronounce their last name when introducing them. Not Heigl. Before she launched into her TelePrompTer presentation, the "Knocked Up" star corrected the announcer. Later, after Heigl won for a supporting actress trophy, she gave the announcer props for getting it right the second time.

Sally Field's acceptance speech. Like a typical mother, Field rambled on and on during her best actress acceptance speech. Just when we started hoping Field would be drowned out by the orchestra, the "Brothers & Sisters" matriarch sprang some saucy language and an anti-war rant on the audience and Fox censors, who cut away from the winner. We really, really liked Field for giving us something to talk about the next day. 

Reese On Topics Not Including Jake Gyllenhaal

(AP Photo/HO/Elle)

Reese Witherspoon is gracing the October cover of Elle. The long bangs are rocking our world, but doesn't that dress make it look like her bra is showing? Inside the magazine, Gavin Hood, director of her upcoming film "Rendition" co-starring Jake Gyllenhaal, says the pair didn't have an affair. They didn't even film any scenes together! Witherspoon doesn't address the rumors herself. Here's the juiciest quotes:

On dealing with hard times post-split with husband Ryan Phillipe: "There’s this moment in 'Walk the Line' where June Carter says, 'I was never aware of how much I was seen.' I was very aware of how much I was seen."

On the tabloids: "Everybody is hung out to dry now. It’s one thing if you’re up for it and you want it, and you go out without your panties on. But if you’re wearing your panties, gosh darn it, leave me alone!"

On claims that she is always in control: “I wouldn’t be able to do what I do if I were (always in control). I wouldn’t be able to have the empathy or the capacity to understand different lives.”

MTV VMAs: Gimme a Barf Bag

(AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

Yes, we saw Britney Spears' MTV Video Music Award performance. Yes, we thought it was horrrrendously bad. But really? What did you expect? Madonna? A duet with Justin Timberlake? Actual singing? Abs? The Slug is afraid that the art of the super-staged award-show comeback is dead. Thanks, Brit Brit. You can throw all the fantasy suites, unnecessary glowing tables, collaborations, Rhapsody ads and Miss Teen South Carolina cameos you want at us, but we still don't think the VMAs are must-see TV anymore. Sorry.

Dead "Bionic Woman" Walking?

(AP Photo/HO/NBC)

Uh oh. NBC's "Bionic Woman" might be obsolete before she even debuts Sept. 26. There's been so much behind-the-scenes drama, we're beginning to wonder if this reimagination is doomed. (Then again, ABC's "Brothers & Sisters" suffered from off-screen troubles last fall that didn't ultimately seem it matter.) So just how did "Bionic Woman" go from one of The Slug's most-anticipated new fall TV show to something we're simply hoping isn't a steaming pile of nuts and bolts? It's a four-step process, really.

Screwy Schedule. Instead of installing "Bionic Woman" on Mondays with the similarly eccentric "Heroes" and "Chuck," NBC paired it with "Deal or No Deal" and the boring new cop drama "Life" on Wednesdays. That means there will be a ratings catfight between "Bionic Woman" and The CW's juicy new "Gossip Girl." Play nice, ladies.

Casting Calamity. Many folks — The Slug included — were shocked when it was announced that Isaiah Washington, who was removed from "Grey's Anatomy" after making an anti-gay slur, would join "Bionic Woman" for a multi-episode guest-star stint. Don't shows usually only resort to such attention-grabbing stunt casting in their twilight years?

Sister Act. Originally, Jamie Sommers' younger sister was an unruly deaf goth teenager played by Mae Whitman from "Arrested Development." The Slug thought their scenes together in the original pilot were particularly powerful. Guess NBC didn't. The lil' sis has been recast as a not-deaf savvy hacker played by Lucy Hale. Hmmm. This does not compute.

Big-Time Buh-Bye. Last week, executive producer Glen Morgan, best known for his work on "The X-Files," apparently discharged himself from his role as "Bionic Woman" executive producer over — you guessed it! — creative differences. Such a huge departure can't be good, can it? Quick! Somebody press Control-Alt-Delete.

"High School Musical" Nude Photo Shocker

(AP Photo/The Disney Channel/Adam Larkey)

We don't know what to say. Vanessa Hudgin's rep has confirmed that a nude photo circulating on the World Wide Web is indeed the 18-year-old "High School Musical" star. Uh oh, Gabriella. This is sort of behavior we'd expect from the likes of Britney Spears or Sharpay. At least it's not a sex tape, right? Wow. We never thought we'd say that when referring to a Disney Channel star. The Slug is really curious if this scandal will affect the chances of "High School Musical 3" happening. In the meantime, maybe Vanessa can star in a revival of "Hair" or something?

 

Favoritest Photo of the Week: Kiss and Tell

(AP Photo/Chris Pizzello)

Yeah, we know the kids think Zac Efron is a hottie. Apparently, so does Minnie Mouse, so much so that the floozy had the audacity to lay her lips on Troy Bolton right next to her beau Mickey — and the whole world — at the "High School Musical 2" premiere. Wait, does she even have lips? No? Guess it doesn't count then. You win this time, Minnie. But we're submitting this Favoritest Photo of the Week as evidence of your indiscretion. The original caption:

Zac Efron, a cast member in "High School Musical 2," poses with Mickey and Minnie Mouse at the premiere of the Disney Channel movie in Anaheim, Calif., Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007. (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello)

"Top Chef" Can't Hold a Candle

(AP Photo/HO/Bravo)

We haven't really been keeping up with "Top Chef" like we should this season, but we're definitely DVRing up episodes. We like to watch them on a full stomach. Otherwise, we have to shut it off and go grocery shopping during the commercial breaks. Anyway, imagine our surprise last night when we tuned in and thought we were watching "Top Design" instead. The judges, that phantom blogger and Madonna's brother were freaking out over scented candles that one team used in their makeshift restaurant.   

We half expected the judges to hit Dale over the head with a Yankee Candle and scream, "NO MORE SCENTED CANDLES!!! EVER!!!" Why get in such a huff over some vanilla candles? Aren't they supposed to critique the food?  We asked asap's own Kitchen Idiot if we were out of line for thinking this firey reaction was over the top. His response: "Are you kidding me? Putting scented candles in your restaurant is like putting peanut butter on your steak." Yeesh. OK. We get it. No more scented candles. Ever.

Amber Ignites "Big Brother" Controversy

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

Hey, remember earlier this year when a contestant on "Celebrity Big Brother" in the United Kingdom made some racially charged comments about Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty and the incident ignited a firestorm around the world? A similar such dispute is gaining momentum here in the U.S. with our very own "Big Brother 8." Remarks made on the live Internet feeds on Monday by Amber Tomcavage to Jameka Cameron are being blasted across the Internet.

Wonder if Amber's controversial chatter will make it into Thursday's live show? Or if she'll use her vote to evict Jewish contestant Eric Stein, who's up on the block? Word on the Internet is that Amber, a Las Vegas cocktail waitress and single mother who's said she used illegal drugs in the past, blew up in Eric's face Wednesday because he apparently threatened to reveal a secret she told him. We don't think anybody expected this type of "Big Brother" beef. We thought that banner thing was dramatic enough!

• Best Week Ever: "Big Brother" Listens In On Lil’ Miss Hitler’s Final Solution
• Dlisted: Kick This Meth Face Out!
• Israellycool: Oh "Brother"
• Fox News: Anti-Semitic Rant on CBS' "Big Brother 8"
• TMZ: "Big Brother" Shiksa Learns Jews Have Jewish Names
• Defamer: Contestant Forgets That "Big Brother 8"'s New 'Intolerance Cam' Is Always Watching

"Lost" Video Game Missing

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Create your own conspiracy theories! The upcoming "Lost" video game for PC, Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 isn't quite missing like Oceanic Flight 815, but publisher Ubisoft (and probably those darned Others, too) are keeping it away from leery journalists. The game based on the cult ABC show was slated to be previewed at a Ubisoft press event in New York today, but when The Slug showed up, we were told that plan was scrapped to instead only showcase their games hitting store shelves this year. (You know, the ones we already played at E3.) Like the fourth season of the show, the "Lost" game ain't descending from the sky until next year. Boo.

Game Over for O.J. Simpson

(AP Photo/HO/2K Sports)

Not that we're into team sports or anything, but 2K Sports' "All-Pro Football 2K8" is a pretty cool football video game 'cause it lets you create a timeless, injuryless, scandaless dream squad, sorta like the "Laugh Olympics" or "Super Friends." Heck, you can even play as O.J. Simpson. Remember the glory days when he was more famous for handling a pigskin on the field than trying on gloves in court?

Yesterday, a Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered that any money The Juice earns from the game must be paid to the family of the late Ronald Goldman to satisfy a $38 million wrongful death judgment. The court didn't reveal how much Simpson might have earned from the deal, but if this is any sort of precedent, we won't be surprised if a Mushroom Kingdom judge orders Mario to pay flashing coins to the family of the late Bowser.

Who Sent the "Big Brother" Banner?

(AP Photo/HO/CBS/Ron Edmonds)

Wow. That mysterious banner calling Eric a liar actually motivated Daniele to attempt the dangerous backdoor eviction tactic on last night's "Big Brother." And TMZ is reporting that a pilot who was gonna fly a banner revealing Eric as "America's Player" received a cease-and-desist letter from CBS. Just who's ponying up the cash to send these thangs flying over the "Big Brother" house this summer? Let's take a look at The Slug's suspects:

• Joe Barber II: The second evicted houseguest was the saddest to leave. What better way to keep a stake in manipulating the game than to send the houseguests a message he knows they will see? Then again, the banners didn't have any disparaging remarks about his ex, Dustin.
• Janelle Pierzina: She is perhaps the smartest "Big Brother" player never to have won. Maybe she was upset she didn't get another chance that she decided to usurp the integrity of the game? Nah. Janie apparently posted a message at Survivor Sucks saying she would never out Eric.
• Chill Town: They're sneaky and have the cash, but what would be Will and Boogie's motivation? Just jerking the game around again? Maybe the terrible twosome sent banners flapping over Los Angeles to move negative attention off Jen, who's been rumored to be a Chill Town ally?
  
• The Internet: We're not sure what's to gain, but who's more obsessed about what goes on inside the "Big Brother" house than our friends at Web sites such as Joker's Updates and Silly Hamsters? If enough at-home folks pooled money together online, they could totally afford such a diversion.
• Julie Chen: We know what you're thinking, "Julie Chen?! How could she? She's an objective journalist." We reply: "Exactly! What a perfect cover!" The host wouldn't bat a mascara-covered eyelash at the price of renting a prop plane. It's a tactic just advanced enough for Chenbot 2.0.
  

My Three Dads

(AP Photos/Jeff Christensen/Frank Franklin II/Kevork Djansezian)

If you haven't called your pops to tell him you love him since Father's Day — it was June 17, you disrespectful little snot — now is probably a good time to use up some minutes to remind him how much you appreciate him, in light of today's celebrity daddy drama overload.

• After his on-again, off-again wedding, Usher actually said "I do" to Tameka Foster, who's pregnant with Usher's baby, at his lawyer's office in Atlanta.
  
• Eddie Murphy has publicly admitted he's the father of Melanie Brown's baby, but the Spice Mum ain't happy the "Daddy Day Care" star doesn't want to see his daughter.
  
• Lindsay Lohan's dad is, well, still Lindsay Lohan's dad.

Lane Garrison is Not Paris Hilton

(AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Nicole Richie. Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton. With them, we get the media frenzy around their assorted recent exploits. But here at The Slug, we do not understand the continued coverage of Lane Garrison's DUI debacle. Before his arrest, he was known for exactly one minor role — Tweener on "Prison Break" — and he was already killed off that show before this mess occurred. So why should anyone care about his case? Is he a celebrity? Do you care? Let us know at theslug@ap.org.

Lionel Richie is Gonna Be a Grandpa!

(AP Photo/HOABC/Ida Mae Astute)

Don't act like you didn't see this one coming. Nicole Richie confirms (to Diane Sawyer, natch) that she is pregnant with Joel Madden's baby. Now all we need is Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan to produce offspring so that the children of Hollywood's wild young women can start a support group — or at least star in a reality show together.

Dear "Diaries"

(AP Photo/HO/Twentieth Century Fox/Barry Wetcher)

Layoffs make for great drama! While watching a preview screener for SoapNet's new "Devil Wears Prada" and "Ugly Betty" inspired reality series "The Fashionista Diaries," which chronicles three pairs of assistants in the fashion biz in New York, The Slug couldn't help but wonder what's gonna happen to the two assistants assigned to Jane magazine, which folded earlier this month. According to a press release that landed in our inbox, they'll be "reassigned" to CosmoGirl magazine and the Jane closure drama will be part of the show, which premieres Aug. 1. Now if only the Jane staff members not being chronicled for a reality show were so lucky.

Lindsay Lohan Defends Herself to This Guy

(AP Photo/HO/NBC)

Her family. Her sponsor. The Los Angeles County Superior Court.  Barbara Walters. Larry King. The Slug. God. Of all the people she could plead her innocence to following her second arrest, Lindsay Lohan chose Billy Bush, the gossip-hungry and very shiny host of "Access Hollywood" and "Grease: You're the One That I Want." We had our suspicions before, but now we're really beginning to question her judgment.

 

Isaiah Washington and the "Bionic Woman"

(AP Photo/Matt Sayles-File/NBC/Mitchell Haaseth)

The new fall show we're probably looking most forward to is NBC's fresh take on "Bionic Woman." Not only is The Slug a whore for superheroines (missin' you, Sydney Bristow!) and 1970s remakes, but the pilot episode we previewed is surprisingly compelling. However, we're a little shaken upon hearing the news that Isaiah Washington, who was fired from ABC's "Grey's Anatomy" after his repeated use of an anti-gay slur, has been cast in a five-episode arc as "a mysterious person who is brought into the enigmatic scientific organization" responsible for creating bionic ladies. Washington is good actor and all, but does this emerging series need this kind of attention? What do you think? Tell us your thoughts at theslug@ap.org.

Are We Really Gonna Love Her Forever?

(AP Photo/HO/Bravo)

And we're back. Hope you had a glorious Independence Day. So on the way home, The Slug caught a preview screener of tonight's episode of Bravo's "Hey Paula." This installment is perhaps the hottest mess yet. Here's a tease: The episode begins with an emergency all-hands-on-deck meeting of Paula Abdul's staff — way more people than just those two stylists and publicist — following Abdul's bizarro Seattle satellite interview. She's crying and sobbing so much during the meeting, be prepared to pause your DVR to read the captions. Ugh. Celebrity can be sooo ugly sometimes.

Don't Try This at Home

(AP Photo/HO/Red Mile)

It's a TV show on your video game console! The Slug had a chance to test out the PS2 and PSP versions of the upcoming "Jackass: The Game" from Red Mile Entertainment today. It closely follows the style of the popular TV show featuring the casts' voices and likeness and even some inside jokes. On the surface, "Jackass" is just bunch of mini-games based on stunts from the show, but there's also a "story" and multiplayer mode. It's like "Mario Party" but with poop jokes. Our fave was Suburban Slingshot, where the goal is fly across backyards and crash into stuff. Yes, it's totally stupid. Stupid fun. In related news, we're actually not addicted to video games — but we still might be. Whew!

Hey, That's Not Paris Hilton

(AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

If you're a dumb dumb like The Slug, you tuned into "Larry King Live" last night hoping to see Paris Hilton on that giant Lite-Brite set of his, dishing on her time behind bars and maybe even crying. Instead, you were treated to the Kingster in Las Vegas celebrating one year of the Beatles and Cirque du Soleil's mashup "Love" with Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison. Sigh. The exclusive (!!!) interview with Hilton actually airs tonight. As always, Larry's taking your calls and e-mails.

You Mean He Doesn't Live in a Bio-Dome?

(AP Photo/Frank Franklin II)

Did you watch iconic horror director Wes Craven guest judge on this week's episode of the "On the Lot" film competition? Neither did we! However, we can't quit giggling about this Craven-related AP story and headline: "Wes Craven sues neighbor Pauly Shore." The director claims that a landslide occurred on his property last year after the comedian upgraded his home with a pool, spa, landscaping and other improvements. This would make for such a good episode of "Chillin' with the Weasel."

Today in "View" News

(AP Photo/Diane Bondareff)

Would this show just go into reruns already? Rosie O'Donnell "sure would" accept "The Price is Right" hosting gig. (Of course she would, but is she fully aware of The Slug's stipulations?) And Elisabeth Hasselbeck tells "Access Hollywood" — why do celebrities insisting on telling "Access Hollywood" stuff when "Access Hollywood" is just gonna turn around and tell everyone else!?! — that she's not sure she considers Rosie a friend. Don't expect any Plinko discs, Elisabeth, if Ro comes on down to fill Bob Barker's shoes.

Meanwhile, above-this former co-host Lisa Ling's documentary “Slave Girls of India" premieres this weekend on Oxygen. Oh, and Oprah's BFF Gayle King takes a spin in on the revolving co-host chair on today's episode. She'll be back tomorrow alongside seasoned Star Jones fill-in Sherri Shepherd. Uh oh. Two temporary co-hosts in one show?! Gayle, you sure you wanna get involved in this hot mess?

"America's Got" Boy Shakira

(AP Photo/William Fernando Martinez)

Time for more "America's Got Talent" controversy! At the Chicago auditions in last night's episode — hey, why do the producers insist upon faking the audition locations when they're all taped in Los Angeles? — judge David Hasselhoff flipped out when Boy Shakira was put through to the next round by British arbiters Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan.

In case you missed it, Boy Shakira is just what it sounds like: a scantily clad female impersonator grinding away on stage. (That's not him pictured above. That's the real thing.) Who knew The Hoff had such a prob with dudes whose hips don't lie? Sure, Boy Shakira was entertaining and all, and we're happy he advanced in this mind-numbing train wreck of a talent show, but he's no Leonid the Magnificent.

The Slug to Paris Hilton: Call Us! Collect!

(AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

Dear Paris: If you can somehow read this on a smuggled-in Sidekick or your mama is printing out blog posts for you or whatever, call us! We'll accept the charges! We desperately need to know if you were acting dumb when we interviewed you in your hotel room in 2005. If so, how would you have really answered our questions, you know, now that you're vowing not to act dumb? Also, forget everything we said in this asap story. We totally wrote it during your briefer-than-brief house arrest last week. Now that you're back in the clink, we think you're gaining street cred each passing day. Seriously! Now that you're in with Babs, you just may get Rosie O'Donnell's spot on "The View."

"America's Got" Catfight

(AP Photo/HO/NBC)

Kudos to new "America's Got Talent" judge Sharon Osbourne for laying the smackdown on needlessly mean fellow judge Piers Morgan on last night's premiere episode after he lashed out at a pig-tailed 8-year-old cheerleader and her stage mum. Unlike Simon Cowell, this snotty Brit has zero charisma and doesn't offer any constructive criticism. If only Osbourne and glassy-eyed David Hasselhoff could vote him off. Now, Sharon, your next target should be the "America's Got Talent" editors, who did a "horrific" job of jumbling up the acts and attempting to make a Los Angeles soundstage double for the Dallas auditions.

What to Do While Paris Hilton is in Jail

(AP Photo/HO/GSN)

Paris Hilton is in jail for the next 23 days. How, oh how, will The Slug spend the month of June without her tabloid cameos and red carpet appearances!? By playing video games starring her, of course! (When we're not gaming, we'll watch prison chick flicks.) To cash in on Hilton's jailtime, GSN has released the Web-based game "The Prison Life: Paris" on their site which allows casual gamers to play as a bobble-headed Paris tasked with making license plates. It's kinda hard! If playing Internet-based games is not hot, you can always download "Paris Hilton's Diamond Quest" for your cell phone. And E! — home of "The Simple Life" — has an interactive quiz which will inform you if you're a Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie. The Slug took it and we were dubbed a Nicole, which is hot because we don't look sexy in jumpsuits.

Bruce Willis Goes There

(AP Photo/HO/Vanity Fair/Annie Leibovitz)

A rugged and big-headed-lookin' Bruce Willis is gracing the June cover of Vanity Fair. (Wait a sec. Wasn't Demi Moore just on the cover, too?) In case you hadn't heard amid the hullabaloo over superheroes and pirates, "Live Free and Die Hard" (or "Die Hard 4," as we like to call it) is hitting theaters this summer. So, after all these years, does Willis still got it? He doesn't think so, at least when it comes to media attention. What does he blame for his lack of press coverage? Naked vaginas, of course. Here's what he told the magazine:

“They’re not writing about guys my age much anymore, unless I do something naughty. They’re writing about the kids. That’s what drives the pop culture now. Anything goes, to the point when if it’s OK for young pop stars or film stars to show photos of their naked vaginas in a magazine, then it’s over, man."

Waiting for Your Call

(AP Photo/HO/NBC)

We admit it. Sometimes The Slug has avoided our parents' phone calls. We love 'em dearly but often have to be in the right state of mind to accept their call. We feel guilty every time and usually call back quickly after pushing the ignore button. Oh, don't you act like you've never done it, either. The thing is our mother is keenly aware of this and leaves us taunting voicemails in retaliation. "Oh, Derrik, I don't know why you don't pick up the phone," she says. "What if I fell and couldn't get up?" The motherly guilt doesn't usually phase us but after listening to this, we will never again ignore our parents' calls.Thank Alec Baldwin, mom.

Getting on the Gravy "Train Wreck"

(AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

We spent the rainy weekend curled up by our fireplace with a good book — actually, just make that book. We don't want to spoil the 248 mind-numbing pages of "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," the new tell-all by Anna's estranged sister Donna Hogan. However, the best parts of the book were the pictures: color photos of Smith's old driver's licenses, scanned images of Smith's old diaries and an Anna Nicole Smith Family Tree fold-out. These images aren't worth 1,000 words; they're worth 1 million cringes!

Project Runway

(AP Photo/Danny Moloshok/Mary Altaffer)

The Slug is a pop-culture blog and not really a celebrity blog mostly because there are already plenty of great celebrity bloggers out there and, well, we just ain't into that sort of thing. To us, "Lost" and reality TV are more fascinating than Brit Brit's latest antics. We were reminded of this last night while attending — as a guest, not a reporter — the celebrity-soaked grand opening of Runway, a glitzy new nightspot here in New York, for two reasons:

For Sale

(AP Photo/Itsuo Inouye)

Spring is here and it's time to go on an around-the-country shopping spree! First up is Las Vegas where 1,100 Jackson family items will be up for bids by Guernsey's auction house including Michael Jackson's gold record for "Thriller" and handwritten lyrics for the Jackson Five hit "ABC." Those are great and all, but The Slug is most interested in snagging Marlon Jackson's glitter jacket.

Next stop is Dallas where Heritage Auction Galleries is hocking two diaries penned by Anna Nicole Smith in the early 1990s. One entry apparently ends with five hand-drawn smiley faces. Don't bother shopping 'til you drop for famous goodies in Nashville, Tenn. The attorney general there has halted the sale of a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. Guess we'll go to Thomas Kinkade instead!

Favoritest Photo of The Week: Baby Drama

(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

There's something mysteriously dazzling about a photo of someone who doesn't want to have their picture taken — especially when they use their paws to shield themselves from the lens. (The late Anna Nicole Smith does it beautifully in our banner.) That's why we selected this striking image as our Favoritest Photo of the Week. There's little context for why the uniformed man is raising his hand the way he is, his left eye poking out between his fingers, until you read the caption and it becomes very, very clear: Brangelina!

A Vietnamese army man stops a photographer from taking pictures outside the U.S. embassy annex as they wait for American actress Angelina Jolie to arrive in Hanoi, Vietnam, on Tuesday, March 20, 2007. Jolie is in Hanoi to complete some documents for her newly adopted 3-year-old Vietnamese boy, Pax Thien Jolie. (AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

Too Much to Handle

(AP Photo/HO/Marvel)

Is there a rip in the space-time continuum? What else could explain all the crazy hot messes that are happening in entertainment news today!? First, The Slug learned that Captain America has been shot and killed. Captain America! Dead! Then, after we wiped away the tears, we saw that Star Jones Reynolds has landed her own talk show. Oh, no she didn't! And then we learned Jason Wahler from "Laguna Beach" has been sentenced to two months in jail. "Slug, just breathe. You'll be OK," we told ourselves. But we won't because we just read this headline: "Producer Timbaland wants to save Britney." Sigh. The Slug needs a personal day!

Hail to the Incester in Chief

(AP Photo/HO/Fox)

Ohmygosh. Forget "Heroes." The show that made The Slug's jaw drop into our basement, through the core of the planet and up into China last night was Fox's "Prison Break." Stop now if you don't want to be spoiled — although our headline probably gave the big shocker away so just keep reading. It was revealed that the double-crossing president, played steely by Patricia Wettig, had an incestuous relationship with her brother! Incest. Now that's something you don't often see in primetime.

The Burrows boys hoped to use that information to blackmail full pardons out of her, but she instead stepped down as prez and announced she had cancer. Boo. And she was such a good villain (despite the whole brother lover thing). Since Wettig is a full-fledged cast member on ABC's "Brothers & Sisters," we probably won't be seeing her for awhile — again! — and that the Burrows clan will have to formulate yet another escape plan. "Prison Break," you torture us.

Another Reason to Miss "Being Bobby Brown"

(AP Photo/Nancy Lane)

Don't get The Slug wrong. We love us some "Project Runway" and "Six Feet Under" reruns. But oh how we wish Bravo's "Being Bobby Brown" was still in production. Here's the latest: Hot 99.5's "The Kane Show" in Washington paid the $19,150 to spring Brown from jail after he failed to pay child support on the condition that he appear on the show, but Brown backed out! Come on, Bobby B. The least you could do is call in let them record you saying, "Hi. This is Bobby Brown and you're listening to Hot 99.5." You know, so they can repeatedly play it between songs.

Favoritest Photo of the Week: Bye, Anna