The Slug

"Survivor: China" Cover-Up

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

Looks like we no longer have to wonder why undies are being blurred out by CBS on "Survivor: China." Jeff Probst didn't mention it, but the castaways showed up to last night's immunity challenge —  the first swimming competition of the season — wearing previously unseen swim wear. The Slug guesses the producers simply tossed the contestants their suits to put on before the challenge. Do you think that's fair? And what about the tribal switcheroo? Was it right to force the teams to trade their strongest players? Poor Aaron and James!

We Don't Think They're Ready for This Jelly

(AP Photo/Stephen Chernin)

Was Beyonce not willing to cover up for her first concert in Malaysia? According to Knowles' agency, she canceled the show "due to a scheduling conflict." However, she will instead perform in neighboring Indonesia, whose government doesn't demand that female performers cover their bods from their shoulders down to their knees. Hmmm. This sounds more like a "wardrobe conflict" to us.

"Survivor: China" Goes Below the Belt

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

The most shocking thing about the premiere of "Survivor: China" last Thursday wasn't the Buddhist welcoming ceremony, Chicken's dismissal, the fact that this season is set in China or that the castaways were stranded in just the clothes they had on. No, The Slug was most alarmed that CBS blurred the underwear of Zhan Hu tribe member Erik Huffman, the curly-haired musician from Nashville. What gives? None of the other skivvy-wearing castaways received a blur.

Sure, "Survivor" has censored plenty of butt cracks and nipple slips from scantily clad contestants over the years, but this incident didn't seem to fall into either category. When The Slug asked a CBS spokeswoman why they blur his shorts, she said, "I don’t know for sure but probably a wardrobe malfunction." Really? Judging from the publicity photo above, Huffman's undies don't even have a trapdoor. First reward challenge should probably feature pants as a prize.

You Guys Have to See "The Bachelor"

(AP Photo/HO/ABC/Karen Neal)

The eleventh season of ABC's "The Bachelor" is looking more like "I Love Flavor of Rock of New York" — or whatever those VH1 reality dating shows are called. That's because the first episode, which debuts Sept. 24, features female contestants who have webbed toes, sing horribly off-key, bend themselves into impressive pretzels or go swimming while everyone else is in formal wear. They're a far cry from Pumpkin, Hoopz and Buckee, but they are the strangest bachelorette batch yet.

"Bachelor" Brad Womack, who's referred to as THE SEXIEST "BACHELOR" EVER multiple times, isn't exempt from the oddness. He continually calls his females suitors "you guys." After meeting the ladies, Womack says, "You guys have far exceeded my expectations." Yes, we know it's just an expression, but it's still a bizarre thang to say to a group of women. We won't be DVRing this "Bachelor," but we are curious to see a future episode where B.Wo will switch places with his twin brother to trick "you guys."

MTV VMAs: Gimme a Barf Bag

(AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

Yes, we saw Britney Spears' MTV Video Music Award performance. Yes, we thought it was horrrrendously bad. But really? What did you expect? Madonna? A duet with Justin Timberlake? Actual singing? Abs? The Slug is afraid that the art of the super-staged award-show comeback is dead. Thanks, Brit Brit. You can throw all the fantasy suites, unnecessary glowing tables, collaborations, Rhapsody ads and Miss Teen South Carolina cameos you want at us, but we still don't think the VMAs are must-see TV anymore. Sorry.

"America's Player" Got No Game

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

The Slug's had enough of this "America's Player" twist on "Big Brother 8." We were against Eric as our minion from the outset. Sure, he started to win us over this summer, but we're totally off "Team America" after Eric cried in the Diary Room, dissed our favoritest "Big Brother" player ever and bizarrely pushed Jessica's face with his hand while he jostled his tongue in her throat during last night's episode. Gross. Isn't all this stuff worth a penalty nomination or something?

New "Bachelor" Includes Facial Hair

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Ladies and cowboys, feast your eyes on the new "Bachelor." His name is Brad Womack, if you're interested in stalking his MySpace and Facebook profiles. Unlike clean-cut geek "Officer and Gentleman" Andy Baldwin, this Texas stud's got stubble and, according to an ABC press release, owns four bars. You know what that probably means: lots of drunken revelry and the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. You'd think ABC would've caught on and cast someone who resembles this guy.

"Age of" Ugh

(AP Photo/HO/NBC)

Sigh. We had such high hopes for NBC's "Age of Love" — or should we say low hopes, you know, the so-trashy-it's-a-guilty-pleasure kinda hopes. Unfortunately, this "kittens-vs.-cougars" dating show didn't even feature a meeting of the mammals. Instead, we got lots and lots of awkward introductions. ("I'm originally form Hawaii. I was born in 1967, and that makes me 40," bachelorette Lynn said in one breath. Ummm, who introduces themselves like that?!) And we're undecided on whether Mark Philippoussis is actually a hunk or just a mouthbreather. When does "Big Brother" come back, again?

"Fantastic" View

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

For the past few weeks, on our way to work here at AP World Headquarters in New York, we've been passing by this billboard for "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," which opens today. We're more excited for the second season of "Heroes" than this superhero sequel. But the reason we're bringing this up is because we really don't think the Invisible Woman should have tolerated where The Thing's been sticking his rocky head this whole time. How rude!

Bruce Willis Goes There

(AP Photo/HO/Vanity Fair/Annie Leibovitz)

A rugged and big-headed-lookin' Bruce Willis is gracing the June cover of Vanity Fair. (Wait a sec. Wasn't Demi Moore just on the cover, too?) In case you hadn't heard amid the hullabaloo over superheroes and pirates, "Live Free and Die Hard" (or "Die Hard 4," as we like to call it) is hitting theaters this summer. So, after all these years, does Willis still got it? He doesn't think so, at least when it comes to media attention. What does he blame for his lack of press coverage? Naked vaginas, of course. Here's what he told the magazine:

“They’re not writing about guys my age much anymore, unless I do something naughty. They’re writing about the kids. That’s what drives the pop culture now. Anything goes, to the point when if it’s OK for young pop stars or film stars to show photos of their naked vaginas in a magazine, then it’s over, man."

What's Inside the Black Box?

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

Sorry The Slug hasn't posted about a thing today! We've been far too busy working on some fabulous asap stories. (Don't worry your pretty little head off. We'll link to 'em as soon as we're done.) We were, however, able to make like "Veronica Mars" and spare a minute to open a mysterious package we received this afternoon. After we removed it from the FedEx packaging, that's what it looked like up there. Black. Velvety. Fancy. Curious. Click here if you want to see what's inside.

Put Down the Cookie Dough

(AP Photo/Pat Roque)

Happy Valentine's Day! Even though we're sitting under a mound of snow, we hope you have the most red, pink, chocolate-filled, heart-covered Valentine's Day ever. In case you're not having sex or going to a fancy dinner or both tonight, here are four suggestions for really fun things that you can do that won't leave you depressed about not having a Valentine.

Let Brit tell you a story. In a promotion for her new fragrance, Midnight Fantasy, Britney Spears has created one of those kooky interactive Internet audio tools where you can enter some simple information — name, hobbies, etc. — and then e-mail a clip narrated by Spears to a friend, unless your friend has a weird name like Paris or Xena.

Play "Myst Online: Uru." Remember that beautifully detailed game series with the pain-in-the-neck puzzles called "Myst" from years past? The totally nonviolent franchise is now a massively multiplayer online game, which fittingly launches on the lovingest day of the year on the GapTap broadband entertainment network. You can sign up at a special introductory rate of 99 cents.

Watch old commercials on YouTube. Feel the nostalgia of commercials from the '80s by scouring YouTube for your favorites. The Slug's No. 1 is this one for International Coffees featuring a group of horny ladies sitting around describing the new Dutch chocolate flavor. "It's an after-dinner mint but hot," one squeals. Oh la la.

Torture yourself with another episode of "Lost." Tonight is that Desmondcentric episode we've all been waiting for since he gained psychic powers and we witnessed his lover Penelope enlisting the help of some dudes in an arctic station to find him at the end of last season.

Gay, Straight or Are You Serious?!

(AP Photo/HO/Lifetime)

We're continuing our preview of midseason shows this week. First on our list is Lifetime's "Gay, Straight or Taken," which premieres Jan. 8. Sounds like a "Saturday Night Live" sketch, but this reality-dating show actually tests a woman's gaydar to figure out which of three men is gay, straight or has a significant other. (Wonder how Blanche Devereaux would do at this?!) If she chooses the straight single guy, the two win a trip. If she chooses either of the other two, they get the prize.

The show sorta sets gay rights back a few steps because, in the episode The Slug previewed, the lady used stereotypical stuff like what kind of swimsuits they wore and what kind of car they drove to decipher the dudes' inclinations — although maybe there's something to be gleaned from that, especially when the stereotypes aren't correct. We're not quite sure. However, we're 100-percent sure "Gay, Straight or Taken" will be a guilty pleasure to play along at home.

Candice Gets the Kiss Off on "Survivor"

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

The riveting "Survivor: Cook Islands" episodes keep on coming. Last night, a vengeful Jonathan kept his fishy bounty from the kissy Raro kids. Yul shocked everyone by revealing he had the Hidden Immunity Idol. And Adam Gentry and Candice Woodcock had their final kiss right there at Tribal Council in front of everyone after she was voted off the island. Let's see what mutinious Candice has to say for herself.

The Slug: Why do you think they voted for you?

Candice Woodcock: Because they were smart. I saw it coming. I pretty much knew it was going to happen. The Aitu four didn't want to give me any chance to change anyone's mind.

The Slug: At least you didn't have to go Exile Island anymore. How many times did you go? What was it like?

Candice Woodcock: Four times. Five nights. I started calling Exile Island my summer home. One out of every six nights I was on "Survivor," I was on Exile Island. I was able to start fire. That was the only thing that kept me sane. When it started raining, you had no shelter.

The Slug: You couldn't get in that ship?

Candice Woodcock: No. That's production. So you were outside the entire time. If it started raining, you were soaked. It was rough. It was very emotional, knowing the game was going on without you.

The Slug: How do you feel about Jonathan? He followed you when you mutinied. He flipped and voted out Nate. And then he didn't give you any fish, which really set you off.

Candice Woodcock: I was surprised Jonathan followed me. I was surprised he flipped. I was surprised he didn't give me fish. Jonathan was playing a game. I was playing a game. I understand that. I did give him a hard time about it, but that was me trying to save myself at that point. There were some bad feelings, but I don't feel that way anymore. He's a good person. He did what he had to do.

The Slug: So let's talk about the love of your island life, Adam. When did that start?

Candice Woodcock: Well, let me correct you and say that it was not the love of my Cook Islands life. It was ... I don't know.

The Slug: How would you describe it then? I do not want to be inaccurate in the description of your relationship with Mr. Gentry.

Ho Ho "Housewives"

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

Alama is alive! Not like we didn't see that coming. Come on. "Desperate Housewives" is such a soap opera. And if soaps don't show a body then the person you think is dead isn't — unless you're watching "Passions." Hopefully, this means more Dixie Carter in 2007. (That's right. No more "Housewives" until next year.) But the most interesting part of last night's episode was the creepy admission by the pedophile next door played by Matt Roth. Wonder what this means for Lynette. Also, glad to see The Slug ain't the only person getting into the holiday spirit waaay too early.

This is Why We Watch "Survivor"

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

The Slug is thankful for that knuckle-bitingly exciting episode of "Survivor: Cook Islands" last night. Seriously, did you watch? If not, you totally need to Innertube that bad boy. Wasn't it like the best episode ever? Why was it so good? Sit back, grab and turkey leg and we'll give you four reasons. Mark Burnett, get out your notepad.

1. Unpredictable. With the extreme possibility of the Hidden Immunity Idol being used and Jonathan Penner's deviously elastic loyalty, the episode provided some good ol' fashioned reality TV scheming that left us wondering, "Will he or won't he?"

2. Colorless. Despite the tribes (finally!) merging, there was no mention of race. Perhaps that means skin color doesn't really matter. Or perhaps the editors just left the race card on the cutting room floor. (Still more whites, if you're keeping track of that sorta thing.)

3. Lust. We don't think blonde hotties Candice Woodcock and Adam Gentry are going to "make babies." But watching the two of them makeout is fun because you know they'll eventually have to bid the other adieu — and maybe stab each other in the back.

4. Yul. "Survivor" is at its best when there are some smarties involved. Yul Kwon's physics lesson atop the endurance challenge pole was priceless — and a lil' sexy. With that, Yul solidified himself as the breakout star of "Cook Islands." (Cao Boi who?)

Anyway, no castoff interview with Nate Gonzalez today. Black Friday is apparently a holiday for survivors or something. You'll have to wait until Monday to find out if he's still harboring that grudge against Jonathan when we talk to him. As always, tell us what to ask at theslug@ap.org.

Ice-T Needs to Chill Out

(AP Photo/Stephen Chernin)

Have you seen enough of Ice T? We have! Last night, he appeared as the host of VH1's "Hip-Hop Honors," in his new VH1's series "Ice T's Rap School" and in his regular gig as a detective on "Law & Order: SVU." But that's not even what we're talking about, kids. We're referring to the cover of "Gangsta Rap," his upcoming ninth studio CD, because he's buck naked with his wife on it!

Rosie Has Boring Sex on "Nip/Tuck"

(AP Photo/HO/FX)

The Slug just started getting into "Nip/Tuck" this season. And what a sexy time to start. The last episode feautred Mario "You'll Always Be Slater to The Slug" Lopez as a plastic surgeon not afraid to show his tush. Now, Rosie O'Donnell is getting into the naughty routine. We previewed the upcoming episode guest starring "The View" moderator as lottery winner Dawn Budge, a trashy mama in search of plastic surgery from Pensacola, Fla. (Hey, that's The Slug's hometown. Holla!)

SPOILER ALERT. O'Donnell actually does get down and dirty with Julian McMahon's Dr. Troy for $400,000 at the end of her episode. But during their akward intercourse, she asks the sexy doc if he Mystic Tans his buns and wonders what's happening with Britney and K-Fed mid-coitus. Yikes. Guess she didn't get what she paid for!

He Said/"Ho" Said: The "Big Brother" Final Two

(AP Photo/HO/CBS)

Not that we really cared since Janelle Pierzina went out last week, but Mike "Boogie" Malin beat his "homance" Erika Landin to win the $500,000 prize on the "Big Brother 7: All Stars" finale. The bestest part of the evening was when Julie Chen — who totally looked like a 1980s banker lady — showed Erika footage of Boogie calling her a ho on national television. Erika and Boogie called The Slug right after they were on "The View." (Rosie totally gave Booger hell — and we love her for it.) Here's what they had to say about their showmance.

LISTEN: Will Erika be friends with Boogie?

LISTEN: How does Boogie really feel about Erika?

Snakes On a (Insert Something Here)

(AP Photo/HO/Playboy)

We're not sure if we can even link to Playboy.com. (There's naked ladies there! We're owned by a traditional news wire!) But The Slug thinks the sexy magazine's "Snakes on a Playmate" feature, which is launching today, is quite possibly the breaking point in the saturation of "Snakes on a Plane," which is opening today.

Basically, Playboy has gone through their archives and found every photo of every model posing with a snake. The fact that there are enough photos for this is beyond us. Not since the lame homoerotic jokes that "Brokeback Mountain" spawned have we seen a potentially worthwhile film give birth to so many silly parodies.

Slugshots: Your Wallet Could Be Doing So Much More

• Cancel our trip to Malaysia.
• Heh. She said boobies.
• That's unfortunate. But there's always the phony ringtone.
• Don't leave home without them.
• What about that Blues Brothers switcheroo?
• Megaphones can be soooo divisive.
• Ouch.

TV's Best Prudes

(AP Photo/HO/ABC)

In honor of Maxim's recently released TV's Best Nymphos list, The Slug decided to craft a collection of our own. But instead of saluting sluts, we're giving credit to those characters on the other side of the sheets: the covered-up goody-goodies who tease us on television with their virginal views and wholesome hearts. Ladies and gentleslugs, may we present TV's Best Prudes.

Rhonda Shear Found on the Home Shopping Network

If you were anything like us as a lil' Slugster, you stayed up past your bedtime on the weekend to watch whacked-out B movies such as "Satan's Cheerleaders" and "Screwball Academy" on "USA Up All Night," hosted by the high-pitched and perky — in more ways than one — Rhonda Shear. (In case you need more memory jogging, she always put the emphasis on the up in "USA Up All Night.")

With charisma and crazed comedic timing, Shear made a great babysitter for The Slug. But as we grew up into a more mature worm, we forgot all about spending weekend nights with Rhonda. Well, in researching this story, we stumbled upon Shear selling full-figured intimate apparel on the Home Shopping Network. Gasp!

Don't believe us? Here's a Slugvideo. (Wait until the end to see her make a funny boo boo.)

No Groupies on "Tourgasm"

(AP Photo/HO/Robert Kelly)

Take a look at Dane Cook's infamous MySpace page. Scads of scantily clad women wave the comedian's hand gesture in photos and propose marriage in the comments section. That's why when we heard about the superstar's HBO docu-show "Tourgasm" — 30 days, 20 shows, one tour bus — we assumed there would be gaggles of groupies guest starring alongside Cook and his comedian pals Gary Gulman, Jay Davis and Robert Kelly. Well, according to Kelly, there were no groupies along the way. He explains why not in this Q&A phone call edition of Slugaudio.

LISTEN: Robert Kelly's thoughts on groupies, booze and tour bus stimulation.

Magazines Go Boy Crazy This Week

(AP Photo/HO/People)

We're not sure why we're writing about this (other than an excuse to to post another photo of Taylor Hicks), but both People and TV Guide are going gaga over guys this week. TV Guide has their Television's Sexiest Men list while People unveils their Hottest Bachelors Issue. Guess it's been awhile since the glossies got some.

Anyway, the latter proclaims Hicks as the No. 1 Hottest Bachelor and also set up an e-mail address to find a blonde woman Hicks told the mag he "would probaly fall in love" with had he chatted her up on a plane. Well, not all blondes read People and The Slug wants to find this mystery lady first — we promise we won't hurt her — so we posted this message on Hicks' behalf in craigslist.org's missed connections section:

Did you make sexy eyes at a prematurely gray-haired dude? - m4w - 29

Reply to: pers-171840074@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-06-15, 9:03AM PDT

Whoooo! We're posting this for a friend of ours. He's shy. If you're blonde, beautiful, were on a plane recently and locked eyes with a juicy 6'1"-tall silver-haired crooner from 'Bama, we want to talk to you. He thinks it could be love at first sight for ya'll. Just think of the "Possibilities." If you were actually into him and weren't just staring at him because he recently became superfamous and rich after winning the biggest show on television, e-mail us and you could become the First Lady of Soul Patrol. This is serious. Whoooo!

"That's me singin' on that jukebox!"

(AP Photo)

Sorry we may seem out of it today. We were overdosing on the brand new "Valley of the Dolls" special edition DVD all night long. We know what you're thinking, but this DVD of the campy 1967 film really is special. It's loaded with extras — mini-documentaries, trivia, soundtrack and karaoke. The Slug has been waiting since, well, since DVD was invented for some digital "Dolls."

The story, sorta based on Jacqueline Susann's (pictured above) best-selling novel of the same name, follows three up-and-coming pretty young model/singer/actresses. Patty Duke chews up the scenery as Neely. Sharon Tate — yes, the Sharon Tate who was murdered by the Manson family — is the beautiful Jennifer (but can't act her way out of a wet paper bag). And Barbara Parkins is perfection as Anne.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have nothing on these three crazy broads, who all eventually succumb to the decadent Hollywood lifestyle (i.e. sex, drugs and amazing clothes). If you get the faintest enjoyment out of reading Us Weekly or watching "E! True Hollywood Story," you will become addicted to "Dolls."

Sandra Bullock Likes Sex with This Guy

(AP Photo/Jean-Marc Bouju)

In next month's Vanity Fair, Sandra Bullock is dishing the dirt on her relationship with hubby Jesse James, mechanic/host of "Monster Garage." She reveals: He courted her via e-mail. Before they wed, she had a negative outlook on marriage. She takes pleasure in being female these days. (We have no idea what that means either.) He likes jazz and classical music. And she lives across the street from his first wife and kids. Oh, and Sandy also says this:

"People say, 'Oh, my God, you’re going to have sex with one person the rest of your life.' I hope I have sex with him for the rest of my life, because I like it!"

We say good for her. Hope they don't split next month!

Slugtrend: With These Rings, I Thee Vibrate

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

Way back when asap was just a young babe of a multimedia news service and The Slug wasn't even a sperm of a blog, we wrote this story about a vibrating ring from condom makers Trojan (the lil' guy on the left). It's available in your grocer's feminine hygiene aisle unless your state laws aren't into that sort of thing.

What a difference nine months makes.

The Slug received these two new rings — OK, fine, sex toys — from MP Innovations today.The one in the center is disposable. The bad boy on the right is, uh, reusable. The best part? Unlike Trojan's 20-minutes-and-it-sputters-out latex ring, you can change the Omazing's battery to keep going and going and going.

Erection willing, of course.