The Slug

We Want Houndstooth Vans for Christmas

(AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

The Slug recommended 12 gifts for each day of Christmas. Now we want something in return. Here's the deal: When we were in Malaysia earlier this year, we spotted some sharp-lookin' Vans slips-on with a black-and-white houndstooth pattern at a couple of stores in the Sungei Wang Mall. (Not even Ryan Cabrera has them. See above.)

Unfortch, they didn't have mens size 11. So we figured we'd just pick up at pair when we got back to the States, but these babies are nowhere to be seen. Macy*s. Journeys. Barneys. David Z. Yellow Rat Bastard. Dr. J's. Nowhere! We even sent a letter to Vans, but they haven't responded. Look, we don't want you to buy them for us. We got our own flow. Just e-mail us at [email protected] and tell us where we can get a size 11. Then it will be the best Christmas ever.

Slug Gift Guide: Yellow, Yellow, Yellow, Blue, Argh!

(AP Photo/Noah Berger)

Holy crap. If you're still relying on the Slug Gift Guide for gift giving inspiration, you've got problems. You really should have completed your holiday shopping by now. There are only five days until Christmas and three days of Hanukkah left. Ouch. The Wiis, PS3s and Elmo TMXs are probably all out o' stock at your local Wal-Mart, buddy. You might get lucky and find a Rubik's Cube though. Just get that. Tell whomever you're giving it to that it's retro and therefore it's totally awesome. And that it was in a PS3 commercial. Yeah. That'll do.

Slug Gift Guide: Don't Forget Fido

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

You shouldn't surprise people on your shopping list with a pet for Christmas, according to animal welfare experts. That's like springing a kid on someone. However, this doesn't mean pups themselves should be left out of the gift-giving festivities Give the pooches you know something everyone would love for the holidays: beer and candy. Pup Life sells an organic 15-piece candy sampler for $10.99. And you can get some Happy Tail Ale — that's right, beer for dogs — from PetCo for $17.97. Woof!

Slug Gift Guide: Give the Force

(AP Photo/HO/Walt Disney World)

Need to get a naughty or nice "Star Wars" fan something for the holidays? Skip the latest latest edition DVD. Give the lil' Jedi in your life (or Sith, but you really shouldn't encourage evil behavior around the holidays) a custom-made lightsaber. For $19.95 at Once Upon a Toy Store at Walt Disney World in Florida, Obi wannabes can customize their blades' color and handle configuration. You can even craft a double-bladed one like Darth Maul! Can't hitch an X-wing to Disney World? This or that will have to do.

Slug Gift Guide: Give Somebody a Camel

(AP Photo/L.M. Otero)

We were just kidding. Now this is truly charitable. For $175, you can give somebody a camel for Christmas — somebody who needs it (and your frat brother does not need a camel). How fun! Aid organization Oxfam is symbolically selling the spitting animals and other assorted accessories, such as water jugs and toilets, that can help impoverished places as part of their Oxfam America Unwrapped promotion. (Not too long ago we did an asap story about hunger banquets, a charitable role-playing event created by Oxfam.) If a humped creature is too steep for you, Oxfam has sheep on sale for $45.

Slug Gift Guide: Smell Like Spears

(AP Photo/HO/Elizabeth Arden)

Get the scent whore on your shopping list a bottle of Britney Spears' In Control Curious. (We have no idea what it means to be In Control Curious either.) The bottle looks like a cross between the home of "I Dream of Jeanie" and a Transformer, as Scentzilla so hilariously pointed out in this asap story from October. And while In Control Curious doesn't smell as loverly as, say, Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely, The Slug believes giving the gift of In Control Curious is charitable. Just think. Brit Brit can buy a pair of panties with every purchase.

Slug Gift Guide: Gentle Reader

(AP Photo/HO/Sony)

Granny likes to listen to books. That means gramps still likes to read them. (He's stubborn like that.) The Slug recommends you help grandpa get with the times by giving him a Sony Reader. At that Q&A we attended earlier this week, Sony Electronics president Stan Glasgow said Readers, which can hold up to 100 books each, were flying off shelves. The Slug tested it out and we can see why. It's light. It's easy to read. And it sorta looks like a book. But if your pa-pa doesn't like to read, just get him the fishy john instead.

Slug Gift Guide: Something Fishy

(AP Photo/HO/AquaOne)

Imagine the look of shock and awe on your daddy's face on Christmas morning when he goes into the bathroom to do his first No. 1 of the day and he sees that his standard porcelain throne has been replaced with a Fish n' Flush toilet tank aquarium. Could anything say Happy Holidays more than that? For $299, the Web site says the undersea commode will turn "the bathroom into the center of attention with its unique design of an aquarium that wraps itself around a clear inner tank." Fish not included.

Slug Gift Guide: Masters of the Universe

(AP Photo/HO/BCI Eclipse)   

Forget granny and junior. For the ultimate geek, we suggest you hunt down an Eternia playset. In the 1980s, this epic "He-Man" battleground was the Barbie Dream House for boys and girls that weren't afraid to punch boys. We had one as as a kid. (Don't get jealous now. The Slug was an only child.) The king of toys featured three towers (Eternia, Castle Grayskull, Snake Mountain) and an interconnected monorail system for your action figures. Dude, they don't make toys like this anymore. Obviously, you can't get this bad boy in stores, but a mint condition Eternia recently sold on eBay for $325. Assembly not included.

Slug Gift Guide: Give 'Em a Hand

(AP Photo/HO/Generate)

Generate is a great (albeit slightly expensive) design store that sells stuff like bulletproof roses and banana-shaped doorstops. Our current not-must-but-would-really-like-to-have item on their virtual shelf is one of these mountable resin hand hooks designed by Harry Allen. (He created them with his own hands — literally!) They come in the following styles: offer, grab, c'mere, om and bestow (seen above). Imagine giving the weirdest person on your shopping list one to use as a soap dish. Creepy and cool.

Slug Gift Guide: Draw a Blanket

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

Tickle me who? Playstation whatever? The gift of 2006 for kids big and/or small just might be the Linus blanket. (It's already sold out at UrbanOutfitters.com, but you might be able to find one in stores.) This satin-trimmed, ultra soft blankie has a portrait patch of the codependent "Peanuts" character on it and comes in a big box that reads: "A Little Security for the Holidays." It's nostalgic. It's cute. It's enough to make even the crabbiest of Lucys say "Awwww." And $5 from every blanket sold — Urban has them for $34 — goes to Project Linus, an organization that supplies handmade blankets to sick kids.

Slug Gift Guide: Our Lips are Sealed

(AP Photo/Hillary Rhodes)

Yesterday we recommended a nifty gadget for grandma. Today we're suggesting a gift for somebody you don't like. (If you don't like your grandma, get her both. And why don't you like your grandma!?!?) It's lip gloss called Lip Venom. The company line says Lip Venom is a "spicy, tingly gloss that enhances lips' natural color and shape with a blend of essential oils including cinnamon, ginger, and wintergreen, in a jojoba oil base."

The Slug says it's the Cover Girl equivalent of Chinese water torture. Once you apply this stuff to your smackers, your lips irritatingly tingle for hours. (We should know. We tried it.) But darn. They do look good. (We should know. We looked in the mirror.)

Slug Gift Guide: Buy the Book

(AP Photo/Derrik J. Lang)

Hope y'all didn't purchase all your holiday gifts on Black Friday. Beginning today, The Slug will begin presenting cool/weird/hot/stupid gift ideas. This is stuff that's crossed our desk, fallen on our heads or otherwise entered our personal space and made us go a.) hmmmm b.) ahhhh c.) ohhhh or d.) yummy.

First up: Something for granny that'll help her understand iPods. It's called Playaway. It's basically a tiny audio book player that you can plug headphones into. The online store sells everything from "The Da Vinci Code" to "The 9/11 Commission Report." Unlike an MP3 player, you can't change what's on it — which makes it perfect for regifting! We like 'em most because they look like lil' books. Cute, huh?